Parenting In A World That Negotiates Authority

Chapters

• 0:00 Why Authority Feels Different
• 1:31 Goals And Non‑Punitive Approach
• 2:02 From Authority To Equality
• 3:13 Culture Stops Backing Parents
• 5:23 Tech, Dopamine, And Attention
• 8:03 Empathy, Guilt, And Boundaries
• 10:18 Lost Face Time And Empathy
• 11:37 The Vanishing Village
• 12:50 Parenting Under Fear
• 14:13 Then Versus Now Recap
• 15:21 Five Ways To Reclaim Influence

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Do you ever find yourself thinking, why don't my kids listen anymore? Or maybe it didn't seem this hard for my parents or my teachers or even the police back then. Well, I don't think you're imagining it. Something has shifted. Parenting has changed, and so is the whole landscape of authority. Teachers say students argue every point of a grade. Police talk about teens who film traffic stops just to go viral. Even coaches and pastors tell me they're walking on eggshells sometimes to try not to offend anyone. Somewhere along the way, respect stopped being assumed and started being negotiated. The world our kids are growing up in looks nothing like the one we did. They've got instant access to information, opinions, and influencers, all who say the same thing. No one gets to tell you what to do. So if you've ever felt like your authority at home, in the classroom, or anywhere else is slowly slipping away, maybe this episode's just for you. Today we're unpacking seven ways parenting and authority have changed in just one generation and what you can do to stay connected and confident through it all. On this episode of the Unscripted Mind. Welcome to the Unscripted Mind, where our goal is to give you fresh perspectives, practical insights, and tools you can use to give you more choices, increase your awareness, and have better control of your feelings, reactions, and behaviors. I'm Jim Cunningham. I'm a licensed professional counselor, and today we're unpacking something every parent, and honestly every teacher, coach, and leader has probably felt the sense that the world isn't listening the way it used to. We're going to look at why parenting feels harder today, what's changed in how kids see authority, and how you can start rebuilding influence, not with power plays or punishment, but with calm, consistency, and connection. So let's start with one of the biggest challenges and the biggest changes. The shift from authority to equality in parenting. So if you grew up in the 80s or the 90s, you probably remember hearing because I said so. That was the end of the discussion. Today it starts one. We've shifted from a world where authority was automatic to one where it has to be earned relationally, quote unquote earned. A 2023 survey from Talk Research found that nearly 70% of parents identify as cycle breakers. That is, they're trying to heal generational patterns with more empathy and emotional openness. On the positive sides, kids probably feel more valued and heard. They grow up with voices and they feel confident. On the negative side, the lines get a little bit blurry. Kids start to see parents as equals, not leaders, and authority starts to become negotiable. Dr. Charles Fay of Love and Logic Fame put it this way Children don't rebel against limits, they rebel against inconsistent or fearful leadership. So maybe the real goal isn't to be a friend or a dictator, it's to be calm, confident. A leader who can both be relational and responsible. Here's one of the sneakiest and most insidious shifts in parenting today. The culture, and I mean virtually all aspects of it around us, no longer has parents back. Think about it. In past decades, your child's TV show, your neighbor, your teacher all reinforced the same message. The parents are in charge. Today, well, that story is reversed. As Golden Newfeld pointed out, advertisers now depict parents as neglectful, incompetent, abusive, invisible, or embarrassing in order to give the children more buying power and influence. Again, remember, they were interviewing uh marketing CEOs. This isn't new though. This has gotten a lot worse in it and very insidious in a lot of different areas. A study of 34 top-rated sitcoms from 1980 to 2017 found that fathers were depicted as, quote, humorously foolish in over 50% of all the relevant scenes in the 2000s and 2010s, compared with just 18% in the 1980s. The positive side of this cultural shift is important. I mean, children are learning to question authority, to perhaps think more critically, to value fairness, not just obedience, and that's necessary in a complex world. But the negative side? Well, when every cultural cue, from commercials to social media to streaming influencers, say the parent is optional or out of step, then obedience, respect, leadership, well, they get undermined. Of course, the irony here is that strangers, people our kids have never met, are often given more unilateral credibility, authority, and respect than parents. And there's more. Research in the Netherlands found that parents who feel less confident or lack partner support are more likely to hand over media devices to modify behavior or just to act as a babysitter. That means media isn't just sending the message, it's helping parents relinquish control. The piece we can't ignore, I don't think authority has vanished, but I think it has shifted from being given to being earned. If culture is telling your kids leadership doesn't matter, then we have to find a way to build it day by day, not just through rules, but through our tone, our presence, our follow-through, and our connection. Sometimes that means not letting our own use of technology interfere with our time with our kids. So let's move on. And let's be honest, right? Technology has changed the parenting game completely. When we were kids, boredom was a part of life. There were virtually no screens, or at least none, or very few that were even worth spending time watching. The excitement was being outside, being with our friends, doing things. Now every spare second is filled with a screen. According to the American Psychological Association, children's ability to delay gratification has declined significantly since the 1980s. Why? Well, because constant stimulation rewires the brain to expect immediate rewards. That's called dopamine, and it's very different than serotonin. Dopamine is that spike you get when you get that like when the slot machine pays off. Serotonin is different in the sense that it is a continual sense that everything is going to be okay. So dopamine is something that people chase, and dopamine doesn't want the Dorito, it wants the whole bag. And so we're always chasing in some ways the dragon, right? We're always looking for that next hit. And that is addictive in a lot of ways. So what's the positive side of all this? Well, kids have unlimited access to learning and creative tools. They can code, they can compose music, they can learn languages from home. The downside? Well, they tend to struggle to tolerate boredom or manage delayed gratification, skills that are essential to building resilience. As Johann Hari argues in his book Stolen Focus, our minds are being fired at point blank with information, and our ability to sustain concentration is collapsing under that weight. He notes that the first 12 major causes is the increase in speed, switching, and filtering. In other words, constant multitasking and overstimulation. Things you don't get from doing math homework. There is no instant payoff for that. There's no quick feedback loop for that. This perspective helps us see that when our kids struggle to wait or to tolerate boredom, we're not just dealing with poor behavior. We're dealing with brains shaped by a world of distraction and instant feedback. So when your child says five more minutes, you're not just battling defiance. You're up against brain chemistry, chasing the dragon. The solution isn't no screens, it's balance. Build intentional quiet time where the brain can reset. This leads us to a couple more challenges, right? How do we get rid of the screens from parents who arguably today are more emotionally focused than any generation before us? And that can be a beautiful thing. But with awareness came a new burden guilt. We don't want our kids to hate us, so we negotiate every limit. Okay, five more minutes. Does that sound familiar? Now, on the positive side, empathy teaches children emotional intelligence. They learn that feelings matter. The downside, feelings often replace reality. There are things that we have to do, and it really doesn't matter how we feel about it. We gotta get up and go to work. Developmental specialist Dr. Laura Markham says, when we shield children from discomfort, we rob them of the chance to build coping skills. Also, if every boundary moves, kids develop low frustration tolerance and confuse love with leniency. Remember, clear and consistent boundaries provide a sense of security. If you think about a lamb and a pen, the pen and the fence keep him contained. But it on the flip side it also keeps him safe because not only does it not let him go other places, it also keeps other things out. So setting limits is not being harsh. It's an act of love in many ways. Structure and warmth can coexist, and when they do, kids feel safe enough to grow. And speaking of structure and connection, remember family dinners without phones? If you can remember that far back, uh we used to watch parents talk, disagree, make up. That's how we learned empathy, social cues, appropriate relational dynamics, by watching faces, not screens. A University of Michigan study found that empathy in young adults has declined by more than 40% since the early 2000s. Researchers link it to reduced face-to-face interaction. Now, the upside, technology lets kids connect with diverse perspectives and cultures. That's great. But the downside is they lose practice reading body language, facial cues, and tone, the building blocks of emotional intelligence. Psychologist Albert Bandura famously said, children learn more from what you are than what you teach. In other words, your presence is the curriculum. So put down the phone sometimes. Not to be perfect, but to be present. And the more models kids have, the better. This takes us into the community part of this. Because in the past, families were part of a village, literal ones. Grandparents lived down the street, neighbors looked out for each other, and politics didn't get in the way of that. We cared about each other because we actually knew each other. Today most parents are doing this alone or with both parents working full-time. Now, the positive thing is kids grow up independent and adaptable in many cases. The downside is they miss the steady reinforcement of shared values from other adults and their experiences, their stories. Instead, they get their morals from peers and influencers online, and as I said before, many of which they've never even met. Researcher Dr. Brene Brown once said, belonging isn't about fitting in. It's about being seen for who you are and still being accepted. Kids learn that first in the community, not online. So rebuild yours. Find families that share your values, reestablish a faith community, invite mentors into your child's world because it does take a village. And finally, there's this element of what's driving parents. And I think there's a common thread that I see a lot these days, and it's parenting being ruled by fear. We're afraid our kids are getting hurt, they're falling behind, being judged on social media, or just being judged by other parents. Now, the positive side is that awareness can make us empathetic and reflective. It can also paralyze us. When kids see us hesitate, they interpret it as uncertainty, and uncertainty feels unsafe. Remember, kids are great observers, but they make horrible interpreters. Studies show that children who feel secure in their relationship with parents are more likely to explore their environments confidently and develop healthy coping mechanisms. As Dr. Charles Fay says, children need calm, confident leaders more than they need perfect ones. So confidence isn't about knowing everything, it's about being consistent in what you do know. Kids don't need you to be right every time. They need you to be steady. So a quick recap of these takeaways. Then versus now. Authority back in the 80s and 90s, very top-down, positional, hierarchical. Today, very relational and earned. Discipline. The rules used to be very clear and firm follow-through was expected. Now the limits are negotiated. Technology back in the day, minimal exposure. Now constant stimulation. Community back in the day shared moral messages. Now a lot of conflicting voices are out there. Back in the day, parent mindset was very confident, sometimes rigid, now very empathetic and often anxious. The result? Well, back in the day, obedience came through fear for good reason. Today it's all about resistance through freedom. Now, I wouldn't say that either era was perfect. The sweet spot is probably combining the structure of then with the empathy of now. And we can talk about some ways to do that. So how do we reclaim influence in a world that feels a little out of control, or maybe a lot out of control? Well, I think it starts by remembering a few timeless things, the things that used to work, and getting back to what we all need the most. First, let's start with connection. Arthur Josh McDowell said it best. Rules without relationship lead to rebellion. Kids listen to people they feel safe with. When kids feel seen and valued, they don't just obey, they respond because they want to. Second, be consistent, not perfect. Consistency builds trust. Perfection builds pressure. Third, model self-control. Your tone and reactions teach more than your words ever will. As I often remind parents, our children are shaped more by our weaknesses than our lectures. Fourth, let your kids struggle a little bit. That's where resilience is born, not from guilt or rescue, but from failing and figuring things out. As somebody once said, never do for your child anything they can do for themselves. There's too many bad messages implicit in that. You're not good enough, you're not strong enough, you're not capable. And that's how confidence grows is by letting them fail. And finally, rebuild community. We're not meant to do this alone. Surround your family with other healthy voices, friends, mentors, pastors, neighbors, whoever. People that you trust who can speak truth, wisdom, and encouragement into your kids' lives, not just strangers on social media. Because the goal isn't to raise compliant kids, it's to raise self-governing adults, the kind who choose what's right even when nobody's looking. And maybe that's where it all starts for us too: choosing connection over control, courage over fear, and community over isolation. Basic human needs that we all have. Thanks for checking us out on the Unscripted Mind today. If you found this episode helpful, share it with somebody who might need it. Also, please subscribe, follow us, leave a review, and if you have any questions or topics you'd like us to cover, please include that also. Until next time, remember, life doesn't come with a script. So embrace the unexpected, cherish the unplanned, always stay curious, and have an amazing day. We'll see you next time on the Unscripted Mind.