Six ways to make therapy work for you

Unlock the transformative power of therapy as we guide you through overcoming the common barriers that often hinder progress. How can embracing discomfort and vulnerability lead to personal growth? Join host Jim Cunningham in exploring therapy not as a quick fix but as a marathon requiring patience and commitment. Discover techniques for setting clear goals, navigating the non-linear process, and finding a therapist who truly understands you. Learn why honesty with oneself and the therapist is crucial, and how avoiding people-pleasing can significantly enhance your therapeutic journey. This episode unravels key strategies to help listeners harness therapy's full potential for personal development.

We delve into the art of internalizing change, moving beyond understanding to truly integrating therapeutic insights into daily life. Listen as we draw parallels between therapy and physical therapy, emphasizing consistent effort for lasting change. Uncover ways to navigate the challenges faced by avoidant individuals, with strategies like setting realistic goals and committing to incremental progress. Embrace the discomfort, persistence, and patience necessary for true transformation as you gradually build a new sense of self. We encourage you to engage with this episode, share your thoughts, and pose questions as we foster a community of growth and understanding.

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Therapy for Personal Growth
• 1:07 nderstanding Therapy's Effectiveness
• 3:07 Setting Clear Goals in Therapy
• 3:53 Doing the work
• 4:51 Honesty and Vulnerability in Therapy
• 6:38 Managing Expectations for Change
• 9:00 Internalizing Change
• 11:42 Embrace the Journey

Transcript

Jim Cunningham: 0:00

Therapy can be a powerful tool. So why is it that some people leave therapy feeling transformed, while others feel like they're still stuck, still spinning their wheels? And here's the big question what does it take to make therapy actually work for you? Today, we're gonna dive into the hidden barriers things like fear, resistance, even unrealistic expectations that can prevent real progress. Is it about finding the right technique, being in the right mindset, or is there something deeper at work? Today, I'll share six ways to get the most out of therapy on this episode of the Unscripted Mind. Welcome to the Unscripted Mind, where our goal is to give you fresh perspectives, practical insights and tools you can use to give you more choices, increase your awareness and have better control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors. I'm Jim Cunningham. I'm a licensed professional counselor and on today's episode, it's all about a crucial but often elusive part of self-help and therapy how to make it work for you. We're going to cover about six different ways to do that, but before let me share some initial thoughts with you as we jump in on how to make therapy work for you. First of all, I think it's really important to shop around for therapists. You need to ask about their backgrounds, their credentials, what techniques they use. Does that feel like a comfortable fit? Finding a good somebody who have good chemistry with is super important to that, and I think it's really important to take some extra time to maybe interview a couple of folks, meet a couple of folks to see if it's going to be a good fit. The second thing I would say is therapy is more like a marathon than a sprint and it shouldn't be a super anxious, super intense kind of thing. There's going to be moments where we're addressing deeper issues that are going to be more emotional, but I see the process as kind of like we're walking through the cave the client decides where to go and I'll hold the flashlight, and how do we shine some light on some things or maybe see things a little bit differently than we have in the past. So the last thing I would say is that a lot of people think that or see therapy as kind of this linear process I start here and I'm trying to get to the end, to the finish line is this long linear process and that seems overwhelming. I see it more like a maze, because as we go through the maze, if we come around the right corner, all of a sudden we feel unstuck and we can see progress. I liken it to when you're hiking in the woods and if you get lost. As soon as you find that landmark, all of a sudden you feel unstuck. Now you still might be 10 miles from the car, but when you start walking you feel like you're starting to make progress again. And I see that very similar to the therapeutic process. And I don't know what the right question is or the right tool. We have a lot of those but when you hit on the right one, all of a sudden you see the light bulbs come on and people can make progress very quickly at that point. So I would say those are some things to think about as we kind of jump into this.

Jim Cunningham: 3:05

So how do you make therapy work for you? I think the first thing you need to do is figure out what the goal is. How do we know when we're done? That's the question I like to ask clients. What do you want to fix? Is that a behavior, a habit, some poor communication, dysregulated emotions, traumatic events? As Stephen Covey said, you know you want to start with the end in mind and I think the more clear and specific you can be about what we're trying to fix, the more progress you can make. And it also gives us a nice target to shoot for, because it informs our treatment plan what kind of pace we're going to try to go at, and that way we also know when we've hit the target, because we know what the target is. So a lot of clarity and simplicity about what those goals are and what you're trying to shoot for.

Jim Cunningham: 3:53

The second thing I would say that's super important is you got to be ready to do the work, and when I say work I actually mean work. There are no shortcuts to doing therapy and trying to resolve old events and trying to resolve patterns of behavior and communication and all these things that we have ingrained in us. It's a very difficult process to do and I have to be ready to roll up my sleeves and kind of dive in Understanding that takes a little bit of time to start to build some trust with a therapist, and that's why it's super important to find a good fit, somebody you can trust and connect with. And I think part of that connecting with people with the right therapist is maybe even finding a therapist near your age or who has similar experiences, who can relate If you've lived 65 years and your therapist is 25, there's some things that you may not have in common and it might be harder to connect with.

Jim Cunningham: 4:48

The third thing about therapy that I see, with a people pleasing and this is kind of a tricky one, because I have a lot of clients who feel like they they want to tell me what I want to hear, and that really isn't serving them well, I knew one person who went to therapy and came back after the first session and said I think my therapist really likes me. I'm like I don't think that's really the point. It's not what we're shooting for here. People pleasing is really gets in the way of the things that we're trying to do, which usually requires a lot of honesty and vulnerability with a therapist. So what you need is to be ready to be honest and vulnerable with the therapist and honest with yourself. Frankly, bessel van der Kolk, who wrote the body keeps the score, once said you know, and I'm paraphrasing One of the things that is the hardest for people is allowing themselves to know what they know, and that requires a lot of courage and a lot of vulnerability.

Jim Cunningham: 5:51

We all have those things that are in the corner that we're not ready to and address or even acknowledge, but they're there and the more we can do that, the more we can actually start to work on things. It's like having a broken leg and just trying to ignore it. At some point I'm going to have to face it head on and start to address some of those things, even though it's going to be painful. So a lot of people have been conditioned to avoid a lot of those emotions too, and I certainly get that. I mean, there's a reason that people aren't addressing these things on their own because it's difficult and it takes a lot of guts and courage to do that. A lot of clients who are empathetic also tend to be very conflict averse, so they're afraid of confrontation and that they sometimes are so afraid of confrontation that they never speak up, they never rock the boat and, as a result, they feel unfulfilled in therapy particularly.

Jim Cunningham: 6:38

The next thing I would say is we need to manage expectations. Is we need to manage expectations? Change is difficult even when you're trying to change. It's even harder when you're trying to avoid the change. I have a lot of people who are brought to me because somebody else recommended it, or parents bring kids to therapy and they're not ready to do the work. It's not really their idea yet. So the way I conceptualize the expectations is when I want to change something, even if it's just a simple behavior. It's a lot of work.

Jim Cunningham: 7:14

The things that I do a lot. The ways I have thought about things are very similar to muscle memory, the neural pathways. We use the same things and the same shortcuts over and over again. So I liken it to we've walked across this grass long enough that there's a trail there, and then I've used that so much that I've I've paved it, I've put in lighting, I've put in park benches, and it's just the way to go. I don't even have to think about it anymore. If I want to change that, I have to start hacking through the jungle, I have to get out the machete and I start hacking. And the only way to turn the jungle into the pathway is intentional repetition over and over, and over again.

Jim Cunningham: 7:58

When I worked at the school, we would do interventions for kids and because they're dysregulated in class or whatever it might be, and depending on which model you follow, the intervention has to be consistently applied for two to four months, just to see if it's going to take before we start tweaking it too much, and so I think this is what I try to get people to understand is that, even if you're just trying to, what I try to get people to understand is that, even if you're just trying to improve your habits, healthy habits, things that you know you ought to do, it's very hard to create new patterns and neural pathways to think about things and do things. It's very challenging, and I say you have to manage the expectations, because a lot of people will try things for two weeks or a month and go, well, it's not working, like you haven't given enough time yet. We've got to give it time enough to kind of get into the system and become the new normal. Very challenging thing to do Because, again, this is more of a marathon, not a sprint.

Jim Cunningham: 8:55

The next thing I would say is to be ready to internalize change. What does it actually take to make the shift from just knowing to feeling and living? A new truth, a new identity? It's that move from intellectualizing a concept to anchoring it so deeply that it becomes part of our identity. People often come to therapy for everyday issues, everything from relationship struggles to work stress to personal insecurities. They want to change how they feel and act in their lives. And yet, if they don't internalize the insights that we uncover and the tools we use, the effects are probably going to be short-lived. It's not going to stick. It's like, oh, I learned something new. But without that deeper connection, that change is likely to fade. Which takes us to number six.

Jim Cunningham: 9:43

You got to do something. I've had too many people who show up and they want change and they don't do things. I had one person who, after talking for an extended period of time, was very frustrated that they weren't seeing any benefits. And I'm like, and I asked them, I said what? I know you take a lot of notes. What have you tried that hasn't worked? And they said I haven't, I don't take notes. I said I know that's part of the problem. You don't just show up one hour a week and then just think you've checked the box, you've got to apply this stuff, you've got to try it, and after that one hour is kind of like going to physical therapy. That's great for an hour and you learn these new tools, but I have to go home and I have to apply those so that I can start building my core or rehabbing something. And I think in a lot of ways this is a very similar process that I've got to start taking some chances and taking some risks and applying myself to make things better and start activating that change. Now, if some of these tools don't work, that's great, we want to try it and that's what the next session is about. How did it go? What does that look like? What do we need to tweak?

Jim Cunningham: 10:50

So one of the struggles I have and I would say maybe the population that's one of the hardest to treat is people who are tend to be avoidant and they're very difficult to treat because they are inherently skitty, which means they don't do things. They don't do homework, they don't take chances, they don't step outside their comfort zones and usually that's based on a lot of fear and it makes complete sense. But it's very hard to make progress when you're unwilling or feel too scared to make the changes, and usually those fears are unsubstantiated and irrational. The other question I like to ask when people aren't doing the homework is what keeps you from doing what you know you ought to do? What's holding you back? And sometimes that needs to be addressed, sometimes before we can actually address the behaviors and the different ways of thinking and cognitive distortions.

Jim Cunningham: 11:42

So just to wrap up, number one have a clear goal in mind. If you want to be successful in therapy, know what you want to change. Sometimes it's a hard one. Some people just show up and they say I just don't feel good. Great, that's one of the things we're going to first start with is like okay, what is our goal? Where are we trying to get to? Whether that's shifting a habit, improving communication, healing a past trauma or just trying to be a better person, having more control in their lives.

Jim Cunningham: 12:08

Number two be ready to do the work. There's no shortcut to change. It's going to be work and it's going to be difficult, and taking care of yourself makes that work a little bit easier as well. But make no mistake, there is no shortcut to this. If I had the magic wand, I would let you borrow it, but I haven't found that yet. The third thing I would say is that therapist isn't about people pleasing or taking the easy road. It's about being honest, and not just with your therapist, but yourself. You can't change what you're avoiding. So it's time to face fears head on, and that's kind of what this involves. And somebody once said you have to feel it to heal it, and that's uncomfortable, but slowly and surely, you start to reshape that identity and overcome some of those fears and build a sense of self that believes in their voice and their own worth.

Jim Cunningham: 12:55

Number four is to manage the expectations. This is a marathon, not a sprint. The path to change isn't always clear, it's not a straight line necessarily, and it's like navigating in a jungle full of twists, turns, unexpected obstacles, because the thing you think you're going to work on, sometimes you uncover different layers and you're like, wow, there's a lot more to it than I ever expected. So persistence is the key, though, in finding your way through those challenges. Number five, I would say internalize the concepts and change.

Jim Cunningham: 13:23

True change comes when you shift from simply knowing something to truly living it. Without the deeper connection, the change is probably just going to be temporary. And finally, you have to apply yourself. Take those small steps, even the tiniest risks. Ask yourself what's stopping me from doing what I know I ought to do? Avoidance can keep you stuck, but it's only by taking action, even the small stuff 1% a day, according to James Clear that you'll begin to carve out that new reality.

Jim Cunningham: 13:54

As always, we have to have some patience. Give yourself some grace. This is not going to be easy. Some days it's going to feel like taking one step forward and two steps back, but change is happening, even if you don't see it. Be brave, and remember that the effort is absolutely going to be worth it and it's going to pay off in the end. Thanks for checking us out today on the Unscripted Mind. If you found this episode helpful, share it with somebody who might need it also. Please subscribe and follow us and leave a review. If you have any questions or topics you'd like us to cover, please include that also. Until next time, remember life doesn't come with a script, so embrace the unexpected, cherish the unplanned, always stay curious and have an amazing day. We'll see you next time on the Unscripted Mind.