The UnScripted Mind
Join your host Professional Counselor, Jim Cunningham, as he dives into the complex world of mental wellness. From anxiety and depression to resilience and recovery, "The Unscripted Mind" offers candid conversations and expert insights, encouraging listeners to confront their own journeys while gaining tools and perspectives that promote healing and understanding—one unscripted conversation at a time.
The UnScripted Mind
From Charm to Harm: Can you spot a toxic relationship?
Could your closest relationships be secretly undermining your well-being? Uncover the subtle signs of toxic relationships and learn how to protect yourself emotionally and mentally in our latest episode of The Unscripted Mind. We take a deep dive into the perplexing world of toxic relationships, providing you with the tools to identify destructive behaviors whether they come from romantic partners, family members, coworkers, or friends. Understand why empathetic individuals often struggle to see toxic behavior for what it is and discover the red flags that reveal a relationship might be harming you, from constant anxiety to feeling consistently inadequate.
We also break down the patterns that keep people trapped in these harmful dynamics, comparing them to the addictive nature of slot machines with their unpredictable rewards. From gaslighting and emotional manipulation to inducing a fear of abandonment, we'll explore the devastating tactics that toxic individuals use to maintain control. Learn effective strategies to counteract these manipulations and recognize when it might be time to prioritize your mental health by considering separation. This episode is packed with practical advice and insights aimed at helping you reclaim your self-esteem and break free from toxic bonds. Don't forget to share this episode with someone who might need it and make sure to subscribe, follow, and leave a review!
The goal of The UnScripted Mind Podcast is to give you fresh perspectives, practical insights and tools you can use to give you more choices, self-awareness and control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors.
How do you know if you're in a toxic relationship? Seems like an easy question, but this could be a romantic relationship, a parent, a child, a coworker or even a friend. On this episode of the Unscripted Mind, we're going to explore the patterns of these relationships, the tactics that are used and why these relationships are so hard to get out of and stay out of. What are the warning signs to let you know that you're not the crazy one? Stick around. Welcome to the Unscripted Mind, where our goal is to give you fresh perspectives, practical insights and tools you can use to give you more choices, increase your awareness and have better control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors. I'm Jim Cunningham. I'm a licensed professional counselor, and today we're discussing some of the telltale signs you might be in a toxic relationship.
Jim Cunningham:Now, people have used the terms to describe these kinds of relationships in a lot of different ways and these kinds of folks as narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, abusive, mean, manipulative, but for our purposes here today, I'll use the generic term toxic, because we're not trying to diagnose somebody. It really doesn't matter what you call it. At the end of the day, it's about the signs, the patterns and the behaviors and what this type of environment does to people. Now, why do people fail to see these tactics in real time? I would say that most of us look for the best in other people. We expect the best, we assume that and often project our own values in other people, and by that I mean I expect other people to do the things I would do or treat other people the way I would treat them. But when you're dealing with a toxic person, it's almost impossible to anticipate the things they will do, because they are not coming at it from the same perspective as you are. Now. I'll also say that I know a lot of people throw around the terms like narcissist and toxic. These days it's kind of a catchphrase, almost, and there's a lot of jokes out there about it. But if you've ever been in one of these relationships, you know it's anything but funny. It tends to be very cruel and has very negative impacts on people. If you've never been in one of these relationships, though much of this might sound very foreign to you or you might even have a hard time believing this can actually be true those that have been in these relationships know very well that these people do exist and that it can be a very, very difficult thing to deal with. So when I see clients come to my office, most of them are feeling angry, anxious, and they tend to have the negative self-belief that they're not good enough, and the more they talk, the more it seems apparent to me I often say things like you know, I'm not sure this is you, I'm not sure this is your problem.
Jim Cunningham:Most of these are empathetic and caring people, and dealing with toxic people is probably one of the biggest challenges empaths face, and I discussed this in a previous podcast called the Problem with Empaths. I'll leave a link here and put a link up here on the screen or in the description below. So what are some of the characteristics of a toxic person? Just so we kind of understand what we're dealing with. They tend to be very low empathy and have little remorse. Now, they may occasionally show remorse or regret, but for them, it's usually part of the game to either keep you off balance or to reel you back into the relationship after a fight or some kind of disagreement. How do you know? It's not you, though, and so this is the challenge with a lot of empaths. They tend to be very self-critical, and so for them, a lot of times, they feel like well, I'm the one getting angry, I'm the one feeling anxious, so it must be me. And to try to convince them otherwise and maybe walk them through what these tendencies and patterns look like is very challenging and hard to get people to understand that. So this is a hard one for people, to help them see the possibility or the possible reality of their situation.
Jim Cunningham:So how do you know it's not you? First, if you're the one who feels bad and is starting to seek help. Toxic people tend to not do that. Secondly, if you tend to apologize and make excuses for this other person and their behavior, usually mentioning your own shortcomings and owning maybe more than you should of your own stuff. Number three if you try to find reasons not to go home or you don't look forward to going home, that might be a red flag also. Number four as the victim, you often are afraid of the toxic person, either their reactions, their criticisms or their other forms of abuse. And finally, most importantly, ask yourself do you feel this way around everyone or just this person? Do you have good relations everywhere else at work, at the gym but only feel inadequate in this situation? Those all might be signs that it's not you that you might be in a toxic relationship. So how do toxic relationships often begin, and what are the patterns that usually start a relationship with a toxic person? And I say usually because these patterns tend to be pretty consistent across most toxic relationships and it's like these toxic folks have been to the same training. It's kind of weird in that way, see if any of these resonate with you.
Jim Cunningham:So when you first meet a toxic person, you feel an instant connection, a bond. Maybe you felt like you've met your soulmate and for some reason you don't find it really creepy. There are reasons for this. Often, when they meet you, they're gathering information. They tell you how much they have in common with you, and on the first few dates you do most of the talking. And then they use this thing called mirroring to reflect back what you've told them about yourself. You just can't believe how perfect you are for each other because you have so much in common.
Jim Cunningham:And after a short period of time they start to push for a commitment. Now that could look like marriage, living together or some other type of long-term commitment. Things may still be very good at this point, but once they have the commitment, many things are going to start to change. Number one they're going to start to isolate their target. Now, all of a sudden, they don't like your friends, your family, maybe they decide to move you away from your support system, your link to sanity.
Jim Cunningham:These relationships are like eating a cheesecake, like a whole cheesecake. It tastes amazing at first, but then starts to make you a little sick at your stomach after a while. Next, they start chipping away at your self-esteem, how you feel about yourself. This often leads to a sense of dependency on this person financially, emotionally and other ways. At this point it's almost like you're in a cult because you can be controlled. These tactics are very similar to what? And deprivation to control people, authoritarianism. Cult leaders often exercise absolute authoritarianism. They don't like being challenged.
Jim Cunningham:So now the victim is cut off and this toxic person becomes the center of the victim's life. Usually, the victim doesn't off and this toxic person becomes the center of the victim's life. Usually the victim doesn't even realize this. They just know that they feel very bad about themselves and they react in ways that are not characteristic of them. They might get increasingly more anxious, more increasingly angry, more depressed. Feelings of hopelessness start creeping into the picture and they get more and more angry and they start to show that, and then, of course, they beat themselves up for all these emotions. Finally, after trying to be all that they can be and failing over and over again, most can only come to the same conclusion that they are not good enough. Not the toxic person, but themselves. It's the irony of all ironies that the toxic person is given a pass and the victim not only protects the toxic person, but then also blames themselves. Someone once told me how hard they worked to try to please their toxic person, and they said you know, what really struck them is that the only thing that was ever reflected back to them was failure.
Jim Cunningham:So what are some of the tactics that toxic people use? It's important to see these because let me first say that if you want to change somebody's behavior, you don't have to give them a treat every time they pull the lever. In fact, it's better. If you don't, you want to randomly reward people. Randomized rewards are also known as variable ratio reinforcement. This is where the reward is given after an unpredictable number of responses or behaviors. This creates a high and steady rate of responding. Because the reward is unpredictable, you don't know when you're going to get it. This is why slot machines and casinos are so effective because they operate on a variable ratio schedule. Players don't know when they're going to get rewarded. They don't know how many times they need to play before they win, so they continue playing in anticipation of the reward.
Jim Cunningham:Toxic relationships are the same in many ways. In a toxic relationship, you get conditioned for mediocre treatment or bad treatment, but every once in a while, every once in a while, the machine hits and you get paid off and that could look like attention, affection, sex, gifts, a trip, and you know what it feels amazing. It's dopamine. And you get your hopes up every time one of these positive rewards happen. So you go back to playing the machine and guess what? It goes back to poor treatment. It doesn't stay that way and, just like the slot machine, you go back to working harder and harder to get that next reward from this person. You don't know when it's going to happen, but you know it'll happen, eventually, probably. So you work and you work and you work for the next dopamine hit and what this means practically is it looks like an addiction. I believe this is why these relationships are so hard to get out of and many sources say that on average, it takes seven times leaving a toxic relationships to actually stay out of it seven times. So it's really weird that a lot of people who are getting out of these are trying to get out of these types of relationships.
Jim Cunningham:We don't like this person. They don't like this person, but they want to please them. Maybe they feel like they should shoot them a text and say, hey, I just want to see how they're doing. They would like that. It's very strange and very counterintuitive. So what are some of these specific things that that toxic people do that really start to get into the DNA, that start chipping away your self-esteem, your happiness, and start controlling you more and more?
Jim Cunningham:Number one manufactured emotions. This is important. Often they will do something that will trigger you to elicit an emotion. It could be lying to you, flirting with someone else, breaking an agreement, whatever, it doesn't really matter. Then you react angrily, justifiably so, but that person focuses on your reaction and completely overlooks what made you angry. See how you are, see how you get In seconds. All of a sudden you're on the defensive and you have no idea how you got there. They flip it around very quickly. So a lot of manufactured emotions can really drive and start chipping away at that self-esteem and self-confidence.
Jim Cunningham:They lie and they make excuses. There is always an excuse for everything, even things that don't require excuses. Everyone messes up now and then, but the toxic person's actions never match their words and their lies disappoint you so frequently. You actually feel relieved when they do something halfway decent. They've conditioned you to become grateful for that mediocre treatment. Number three is that they're always the eternal victim. They will always blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. Now they may cry abuse, but in the end you're the only one that's being abused. You will end up feeling bad for them when they've done something horribly wrong. You will instead use it as an opportunity to bond with them over the supposed complex feelings and once they have successfully averted your attention elsewhere, everything goes back to the way it was. It was just temporary. Remember, being the victim or playing the victim means never having to say you're sorry.
Jim Cunningham:They also use a condescending and patronizing tone. Toxic people often try to make you unhinged and attempt to gain the upper hand. They might smirk when you try to express yourself. Teasing becomes a primary mode of communication. Subtly, they will belittle your intelligence, your physical features, your achievements and if you point this out, they call you hypersensitive and crazy. Number five is hypocrisy. You know, in heated arguments, toxic people have no shame and will often start labeling you with their own flaws because they're seeking a reaction. The point is to lure you in so that you react and seem crazy to onlookers. They also have extremely high expectations for fidelity, respect, adoration. Now they will give none of this back to you, unless it's maybe during a short love bombing period, but generally they're going to lie, cheat, insult and degrade, but you are expected to remain perfect.
Jim Cunningham:Number six is gaslighting, and gaslighting is a very effective psychological manipulation, usually done over an extended period of time, that causes you to question the validity of your own thoughts and perceptions of reality or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional and mental stability and the dependency on the perpetrator, according to Merriam-Webster. For example, lying about or denying something and refusing to admit the lie even when you show them proof, or insisting that an event or behavior you saw actually never happened and that you're remembering it all wrong. Number seven you feel the need to explain basic human emotions to them. You'll find yourself attempting to explain emotions like empathy and kindness, things that most of us learned in kindergarten. You think that if they understand why you're hurt, they'll stop hurting you. But they won't. They wouldn't have done it in the first place if they weren't you're hurt. They'll stop hurting you, but they won't. They wouldn't have done it in the first place if they weren't toxic or a decent human being. The worst part is they pretend to be decent when you first meet them, they suck you in with this sweetness, this caring persona, and then it all changes.
Jim Cunningham:Number eight you find yourself playing detective. It's never happened in any other relationship you've been in. But suddenly you're scrolling back on their social media looking for answers to a feeling you can't quite explain. The gut knows what the gut knows, and sometimes we don't listen to it carefully enough. Number nine they focus on your mistakes and ignore their own. If you're two hours late, don't forget you were once five minutes late on your first date. If you point out their mistakes, they will be quick to turn the conversation back on you and again get you back in defensive mode in very quick, short order. And finally, number 10, you fear that any fight could be your last.
Jim Cunningham:Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but toxic people make it clear that negative conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially the ones regarding their behavior. Now, are they actually going to end the relationship? You wish that would make things so much easier for you, but not so fast. Honestly, they have it too good to leave. Not so fast, honestly, they have it too good to leave. Instead, out of fear, you apologize and you quickly forgive them so we can move on.
Jim Cunningham:Here's a couple other quick points about toxic people. You feel an edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. In fact, you'll likely write off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive. They withhold attention and affection and undermine your self-esteem. You're the only one who sees their true colors. A lot of times, if you live with this person, they can be horrible to you and everybody else thinks they are the most wonderful person in the world. They have that great persona and they can switch that around very effectively. They can't put themselves in your shoes, or anybody else's for that matter, and then they do this thing called circular conversations. You'll think you've worked something out, only to be discussing it again and again in two minutes. It's as if you never said a word the first time around, and then they begin reciting all of the same old, tired stuff that you've heard before, ignoring any legitimate arguments you may have, and if something's going to be resolved, it's going to be on their terms.
Jim Cunningham:With toxic people, the same issues are going to come up over and over again. So what you find in normal loving people and relationships that they don't raise a lot of these red flags if any, after an encounter with a toxic person raise a lot of these red flags, if any. After an encounter with a toxic person, though, a lot of these survivors face the struggle of hypervigilance who can I trust? Can I trust myself? Can I even trust my own judgment anymore? And so their pendulum is going to swing back and forth for a while, just trying to understand and kind of come to terms with what they've dealt with and how they've been treated.
Jim Cunningham:So, if you think you might be in a toxic relationship, here are some questions you need to ask yourself as kind of a sanity check. Number one how do you feel when you're around this person? Number two how do you feel when you just think about being around this person? Number three does this person give you energy or take it from you? Do you trust this person? Does this person violate your boundaries and how often does this person lie to you?
Jim Cunningham:Who holds the power in the relationship? Is it balanced, as in most healthy relationships, or do they have most of the power? Who does all the apologizing in the relationship? Who's putting in most of the effort in the relationship and taking the initiative to make sure it's good? Is it you or someone else? Do you have to change yourself around this person and if you do, is it for you or for them? Are you afraid of this person emotionally or financially or physically? The amazing thing about these patterns of behavior is that it's like most of these toxic people have all been to the same training because they do many of the exact same tactics and manipulations. But once you can start to see them for what they are, finally you can start to see through them.
Jim Cunningham:On the next episode we're going to discuss what do you do if you're a victim of a toxic relationship and then these things are true for you. How do you handle that? How do you start to counter the gaslighting, the manipulations and the games, and when might it be time to consider maybe creating some separation from that relationship? Thanks for checking us out on the unscripted mind today. If you found this episode helpful, share it with somebody who might need it Also. Please subscribe, follow us and leave a review. If you have any questions or topics you'd like us to cover, please include that also. Until next time, remember, life doesn't come with a script, so embrace the unexpected, cherish the unplanned, always stay curious and have an amazing day. We'll see you next time on the unscripted mind.
