The UnScripted Mind
Join your host Professional Counselor, Jim Cunningham, as he dives into the complex world of mental wellness. From anxiety and depression to resilience and recovery, "The Unscripted Mind" offers candid conversations and expert insights, encouraging listeners to confront their own journeys while gaining tools and perspectives that promote healing and understanding—one unscripted conversation at a time.
The UnScripted Mind
What Are Your Kids Really Learning from You? Overcoming our weaknesses to connect with our kids
What shapes our children more—our strengths or our weaknesses? Join us on Unscripted Mind as we unravel the complex interplay between parenting and personal growth. Hosted by Jim Cunningham, a seasoned licensed professional counselor, this episode promises to redefine how you view your role as a parent. We confront the humbling reality that our children often inherit more from our vulnerabilities than our virtues and offer practical tips to intentionally connect with your kids to foster love, resilience, and understanding. In a world fraught with the challenges of time scarcity and technology, discover the critical balance between screen time and face-to-face interactions that can make all the difference in your family dynamics.
Explore the underestimated intelligence and emotional depth of children, and learn the transformative power of authentic communication. Jim delves into listening without the urge to solve everything, allowing kids to express themselves freely, and maintaining a presence that is both therapeutic and genuine. Highlighting the pivotal role of play, this episode underscores the importance of consistent boundaries, likening them to a protective yet liberating cage. Through insights drawn from years of counseling experience, Jim offers guidance on managing parental expectations, setting clear limits, and creating a safe environment that nurtures growth. Whether you're a veteran parent or just beginning the journey, this episode equips you with the knowledge to build a more loving and resilient family.
The goal of The UnScripted Mind Podcast is to give you fresh perspectives, practical insights and tools you can use to give you more choices, self-awareness and control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors.
Have you noticed how our flaws seem to echo through our children? Here's a humbling thought for you. Our children are formed by our weaknesses, likely much more so than by our strengths. In today's fast-paced world, where distractions are constant and time is scarce, the importance of connecting with our kids has never been more crucial. How do we ensure the imprint we leave on them is going to be one of love, understanding and resilience, rather than the unintentional shadows of our own struggles? That's the topic on this episode of the Unscripted Mind.
Jim:Welcome to the Unscripted Mind, where our goal is to give you fresh perspectives, practical insights and tools you can use to give you more choices, increase your awareness and have better control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors. I'm Jim Cunningham and I'm a licensed professional counselor, and today we're exploring the intricate dance between our personal growth and the connections we build with our kids and this profound truth our children are formed by our weaknesses. As a parent, that is hard to hear and even consider, but rather than feeling overwhelmed by this, let's see it as an opportunity, an invitation to connect more deeply with our kids, to understand their world and to grow together as a family. In this episode, we're going to cover the ways in which our vulnerabilities shape our kids and how, through intentional connection though, we can transform those weaknesses into strengths that bind us closer together. This is some of the most impactful advice I've gathered over the years working as a school counselor, working with parents, teachers, students and clients in private practice. Think of this as kind of a best of compilation. It's certainly not exhaustive, but it's filled with practical tips and insights that can help make a real difference, I think, in how you interact with your kids. Now, I do want to emphasize that everybody's experience is a little bit different, and so what works for someone else might not work for you. So, as you listen to these tips and suggestions, think about what resonates with you, your own experiences and insights, and find what works best for you.
Jim:Now, we all know children are a blessing, but parenting certainly isn't for the faint of heart. If you feel like you're constantly trying to hit a moving target, well, you're not alone. In fact, the most common issue I see with my adolescent clients is a lack of connection with their parents. So let's start with the numbers here, and this is not a lot of eye-opening data, but it's kind of reinforcing what we probably already know. Research shows that the quality of parent-child relationships significantly impacts the child's emotional and social development. For instance, the American Psychological Association reported that children with strong emotional bonds with their parents are more likely to develop healthy social skills and exhibit fewer behavioral problems. Moreover, a meta-analysis found that children who experience high levels of parental warmth and low levels of parental rejection are more likely to thrive both academically and socially. These findings highlight the profound influence our relationships with our children can have on their overall well-being.
Jim:Connecting with kids isn't always easy, though. In fact it's a challenge and, like I said in the intro, it's kind of like trying to hit a moving target, because as they adjust, we kind of have to adjust, and so it's a constant cat and mouse game in some ways. There are numerous challenges we face as parents, from busy schedules to differing interests and even just basic misunderstandings. It's essential to acknowledge these obstacles, because understanding them can help us better find ways to bridge the gap. One common challenge is the fast-paced nature of modern life. None of us are immune to this. We're often juggling work, household responsibilities, chores, commitments, leaving little time for meaningful interactions. Research suggests that the perception of time scarcity can significantly hinder our ability to connect with our kids. Additionally, technology, as you might guess, can both help and be a hindrance. While it provides new ways to engage, it can also create barriers if overused or used incorrectly. A study by Twenge and Campbell in 2018 found that increased screen time is associated with lower levels of psychological well-being in children and adolescents in particular. Balancing screen time with face-to-face interactions is crucial for fostering strong connections, especially with kids, and younger kids in particular.
Jim:So how do we start connecting with our kids? Well, I think there's a couple of things that are kind of important right off the bat. First of all, we have to realize that kids are different than adults. We can't just apply all the adult strategies that we use with grownups to the kids. Number one I think it's important to understand that kids are, first and foremost, focus on safety, and they perceive safety as paramount.
Jim:When kids don't feel safe, they don't talk much, they don't go play, right. They tend to get a little more clingy. They they seek safety, and so you can see that in their behaviors, especially when they seem more reserved and maybe more shy. The second thing is that kids tend to be egocentric, right. This doesn't mean that they are egotistical in that sense, but the idea that they are kind of the center of the world. Right, they will say things like my shadow follows me or they will blame themselves for things that are beyond their control, like parents divorces or parents fights. I must've been responsible for that. It's just kind of a kid way of thinking. So when I've talked to families who are going through a divorce, a lot of the times even kids into their mid high school or late high school years will often accept a lot of the responsibility for what has happened between the adults and it's very hard to change that once they get that mindset.
Jim:So how do we go about reaching our kids and connecting with them? And I think a lot of it starts with us, especially emotionally, and if we're kind of understanding the kid's perspective that things are safety-based when we can't control ourselves emotionally, it kind of understanding the kid's perspective that things are safety-based when we can't control ourselves emotionally, it kind of spooks the herd. So they get a little freaked out sometimes when they see us dysregulated and not being able to handle the big world In their mind. If mom and dad can't handle this, what chance do I have? So it's kind of a scary thing and that would change their kind of behavior, and you might expect to see that in a lot of ways.
Jim:So, as parents, controlling ourselves emotionally first of all, what can we control? And we have to realize that, as much as we'd like to believe that we can control our kids, the reality is they get the last vote, even toddlers. We can influence our children and that means we are one of many, many variables to them doing things. We need to focus on what we can control. Too many times we try to control things that we can't control and, ironically, this comes as a surprise to a lot of people. We can't control our children's behavior and we can't control their emotions. Right, we can influence their behavior because there's consequences for what they do, and so we can influence that. We can offer them bribes, money, treats, things like that to get them to be more compliant, but at the end of the day, they get the final vote. So we can influence, but we can't control. When we try to control things we can't control, it sets us up for failure.
Jim:The other thing I would say is we have to be mindful of the baggage that we bring into the relationship with our kids. I see a lot of people couples who are doing great and they think, man, I've I've struggled with things in my life, but I've got a handle on it. And then they have kids and then all of the stuff that they have overlooked starts wicking up. It's kind of like when you clean a carpet and you think you've got all the dirt and the next thing you know the spot comes back. Kids bring out a lot of things and remind us of our childhood in a lot of ways and a lot of ways that others have disappointed us. And it's easy to start projecting a lot of the things that we went through on our kids, trying to protect our kids from some of the things that were struggles for us, instead of letting them find their own way.
Jim:The role of emotions is also significant in that it clouds a lot of the interactions. Understand that controlling my emotions is kind of vital in connecting with my kids. It doesn't mean that I'm emotionless, it just means that I can regulate my emotions. I often told kids you know, it's okay to be angry, it's not okay to act angry. So if I'm trying to model how life is supposed to be for my kids, I need to show some emotional regulation, and I've said in other podcasts that one of the best predictors of success in life is emotional regulation over intelligence and a lot of other qualities. Emotional regulation kind of trumps the day, because if I can't control my emotions, everything is going to be harder my interactions, my social interactions and my success in life. It just increases a lot of risk factors. Okay, and so understanding where we're coming from into this parent-child relationship is really important and kind of owning our own stuff and being aware of where our own landmines are and what our triggers are, because I guarantee you, if you've got a trigger and you've got a chink in the armor, the kids are going to figure it out, and they're going to figure it out at a very early age.
Jim:So I think we underestimate children in a lot of ways, in the sense that they are smarter and more manipulative, even at very young ages, than we give them credit for. I have an example from a friend of mine whose daughter came home from college and as they were putting up the Christmas tree and hanging ornaments, they came across a broken ornament and they were reminiscing about the day that they actually got this ornament, when this college age girl was four or five years old, and she told them that since you guys wouldn't buy it for me, I broke it so you would have to buy it. Now that seems surprising from a four or five year old if you haven't had a four or five year old Kind of sneaky stuff and pretty clever, but it just gives you some insights into some of the things that the kids will see in us. They will pick up on everything. They're emotional sponges. They pick up all the good and the bad from us. So we have to be kind of careful on how we manage that. And I think that kind of leads us into some general ideas on how do we connect with kids, as long as we understand where they're coming from.
Jim:I think the first idea is we have to listen to kids. I covered a lot of tips on how to have better conversations in the podcast titled transformative conversations, but I'll cover them again here briefly. And I think, first thing, we need to realize, even as parents, it's not our job to fix everything. Letting somebody talk is therapeutic and there's nothing we need to add to that. But a lot of times as parents we feel like we need to jump in and fix things for our kids. We don't. If I just listen. That's going to allow them to come to us and share their feelings, thoughts and emotions without any sense of judgment, or you know, here's a better way that you can do this. I think clearing your mind and stop thinking about what you need to say next and just being present in those conversations is great, and just letting people talk, especially the kids, let them talk to us. Emotions are therapeutic and we do a lot of things as parents to kind of shut down the emotions of kids, especially the crying and I know crying can sometimes be used as a manipulative tactic by kids. But letting them cry and express their emotions is therapeutic in and of itself and so that's okay to let them cry a little bit.
Jim:Silence is golden. You know, I don't have to answer everything. I can just sit in the silence when they say something and I don't feel like I have to respond to everything. I also don't want to make it about me. It's very easy when my say something and I don't feel like I have to respond to everything. I also don't want to make it about me. It's very easy when my kids come and tell me something, that I want to one-up them with a story of well, this is how rough it was when I was a kid and blah, blah, blah, all those kinds of things. So listening is critical, I think, and kids pick up when they feel heard. I see, and I've said this before, I see a lot of people who don't feel heard and I haven't found one who isn't pretty pissed off about it, and that includes kids.
Jim:So the second thing I would say to connect with kids is focus on the relationship, not the problem. We need to separate the child from the behavior. Too many times when they do something wrong, that's the problem, which means they are the problem. And again, if they're coming at it from being egocentric standpoint, right, they're going to blame themselves for being the problem instead of I made a mistake. They might interpret that as I am a mistake. So separating the child from the behavior is a good way to look at it.
Jim:Number three, I would say respond, don't react. Manage your emotions and manage your reactions, and I'll give you a story about this one. I saw a child who was a middle schooler and suffered with a lot of depression, and we met for a long time not really understanding, and he didn't really understand why he was struggling so much with depression. And one day he said you know what the problem is. I saw that look of disappointment on my parents' face once and I never want to see that again and that drove so much of how he behaved, how much he was willing to share with them. Now, of course, the parents had no idea that they had that look of disappointment on their face, but he certainly saw it and he certainly remembered it. So I think being able to control not just how we react emotionally but also you know what expressions are we showing? Are we rolling our eyes? Are we looking disinterested it's asking a lot in communication to be aware of all of those things, but they're also very important. A lot in communication to be aware of all of those things, but they're also very important.
Jim:The first thing I would say is ask questions you actually don't know the answer to. So many times we come across with this, I guess, almost condescending way of talking to our kids asking them questions we already know the answer to Did you take the trash out? Right? Why did you do that? Why didn't you do this? And we assume we know the answers to that and we probably do. But but just being curious and avoiding the why questions? Right Cause, why questions again put everybody on the defensive. I just want to be curious and ask those questions that I honestly don't know the answers to. It comes across as much more authentic and leads to just a better conversation in general.
Jim:Number five I think timing is really important. A lot of times we're on our own timetable and we try to impose that on our kids. So, for example, if a child is having a meltdown and I saw this a lot at the school, kids having meltdowns and crying and throwing little tantrums A lot of times we want to have a discussion in that moment and impart all these life lessons. And the reality is when someone is that emotionally dysregulated, they can't hear it anyway. So wait, there's no hurry. We can have this discussion an hour or two hours when everybody's in a better place, if I really want my message to be heard. So timing is crucial. I think it's also important to when they're distracted. If they're, if they're focused on their friends, a game, something else, it's hard to have that conversation. And demanding attention, it's like someone demanding that we immediately pay attention to them. Let's give them a minute to transition and change their focus instead of demanding it immediately.
Jim:Number six I would say is encourage independence. And I know most people have already heard this before but never do anything for a child that they can do for themselves. Why? Because there's way too many bad messages implicit in doing that You're not good enough, you're not smart enough, I don't trust you, you're not capable. All these kinds of messages are kind of implicit when I'm intervening and not letting my child fail a little bit and struggle with something. So much of the benefit in life is going through the struggle and learning how to figure things out and dealing with the adversity. As parents it's so much easier to intervene and just do it. I get that. It's a lot quicker, it's a lot less frustrating, but there's so much more benefit to helping them to create that sense of independence and that will pay dividends way into the future, when they're in their teens and stuff, and they have this sense of confidence about them and self-esteem that they can do a lot of things. And also it makes our life a lot easier as parents because we don't have to do those things. Teach a man to fish instead of giving him a fish.
Jim:Number seven I would say encourage the effort, not the results. Focus on the effort and process rather than the outcome. Again, going back to this idea of watching them struggle, even if they don't accomplish exactly what they're trying to do. The fact that they worked at it for two hours is worthy of recognition and it's good for pointing that out and saying you're proud of them just for the effort. So many times we are looking for the outcome to make that the success, instead of watching them go through the struggle and learn as they go through the process. This experience of them struggling. I can't teach them that. I mean, I can talk about it, but it's not the same as them learning it on their own. So I think there's so much benefit into just giving them some time and space to figure those things out for themselves. There is a great book I might recommend called the Gift of Failure. You ought to check that one out. Number eight is an important one Spend undirected time with your children every day.
Jim:Now, this might sound like a lot, and this kind of goes back to being able to connect with kids and giving them the time and working against all of these distractions that we have in our lives, whether that's media, social media, games work, you name it. Undirected time with your kids. What do I mean by that? I'm going to go to my kid and I'm going to say look, I've got 30 minutes, you got me for the next 30 minutes and anything you want to do we'll do, but we'll do it your way. So, for example, if my kid wants to sit down and play Legos, I'll sit down for 30 minutes and play Legos however he wants to do it. I'm not going to sit there and try to correct him and tell him how better to do things. This is just time for us to hang out and connect. What we have found is that these periods of times even 20 or 30 minutes a day we find kids tend to be more compliant. They do their chores better. They seem to be more compliant. They do their chores better. They seem to be happier, and I think the reason for that is because they feel a connection, that the relationship between me and my child are good and they can pick up on that because we've spent that good quality time together. I think this fosters connection and shows that you value their company.
Jim:Play, for example, in and of itself is a critical aspect of a child's life and if we can bring ourselves into that with them. We can get a lot of stuff out of that. I'll talk about in just a second. But according to Jean Piaget, play is like a child's language and a primary way they explore and understand their world. So by sitting down and just taking that 30 minutes, yes, you're going to connect with them and that's going to be minutes. Yes, you're going to connect with them and that's going to be awesome. But also you're going to learn a lot, especially from small children, by watching them engaging in play and activities. That allows them to express their needs, their wishes, their emotions and nonverbal ways. A lot of younger kids just don't have the words to be able to express themselves appropriately or correctly or accurately. So by watching them just how they play and interact with toys, you can get a lot of insights in terms of how they are and where they are in life. This can be incredibly therapeutic and enlightening for parents. I think there's a lot of research that suggests that imaginative play is linked to emotional regulation, problem solving skills and creativity in kids.
Jim:Number nine, I would say consistent limits. I'm a big fan of boundaries. I think boundaries equal security and, if we go back to one of the things that are really important to kids is safety. So clear, consistent boundaries provide a sense of that security. So I want you to think of like a small lamb. You put the lamb in a small cage and he feels restricted and confined, but it also means safety. He can't get out, but that also means bad things can't get in, so he's protected. So you see this manifested in a lot of kids.
Jim:When I set rules and boundaries, the first thing they do is they go and they test the boundary and that feels very disrespectful. As a parent, I just told you not to do it. And there you go trying it. But to think about it this way he's testing the boundary because they want to make sure that it's real, because if it's not real and I can push through the boundary, it's not safe and that's not a good thing. So if I understand that they're just seeking safety and they need to make sure that my boundaries are going to be consistent and I'm not going to waffle on those, then that is going to be a sense of security and safety for my kids. This understanding also allows me to be more consistent and not make exceptions. So when I talk about consistent boundaries, a lot of times we will take electronics away for a week and then by Wednesday, three days into it, we were in a good mood and where everybody's happy and I I waffle, and I I make exceptions. They are, you can have your stuff back.
Jim:One of the things the love and logic program teaches us is that parents need to only say things that are going to come true, right. So saying things like I'm going to ground you for the rest of your life, that's not going to come true. But if I say I'm going to take your stuff away for a week, it's going to be a week. So I have to be careful how I say that, right? The consequences of this, of course, sometimes that we end up punishing ourselves as parents. We take away all the electronics and now we're and ground the child and now we're stuck in a house with a very unhappy, bored child. So there's consequences for that.
Jim:But the intent is is that we create very consistent boundaries and we can do this when the boundary is very clear. I know what the wrap boundary is, you know what the boundary is and if you cross that boundary, I have to do something. I can't let that slide, because that's not being truthful and that doesn't create a sense of safety for the child. So when I say I'm going to do something, I'm going to do something Now, I can leave it vague. If you cross this boundary, I have to do something Now. This is a good strategy because it keeps the child from being able to do the cost benefit analysis of breaking a rule, and so they don't really know what they're going to get, but they know it's going to be something. So it's a different way to think about that and impose those boundaries and consequences.
Jim:Finally, let me say manage expectations. Be realistic about managing both your expectations and your child's. We all want to make these changes and make everything better all at once, and it takes time. Anytime you're changing behavior, it takes a lot of work, it takes time and it takes practice. So it's important to be able to give me and my child some grace, and when I say grace, what I mean is a lot of times when things go bad with a relationship.
Jim:Kid makes a mistake. Sometimes we treat that like it was a malicious mistake, like they did it on purpose. Usually that is not the case. So how do I have a little bit of grace from that Now? There might be some consequences. You might have to fix something, repair something, but even when that happens, we can approach this from a call them business-like approach. We don't have to get emotional about it to set a boundary and enforce a boundary. So if you cross the line, well, I have to do something, but I don't have to get emotional about it to do that right. It just is what it is. It's a business transaction at that point.
Jim:So let me leave you with a question, because I get a lot of parents and I've asked this of a lot of parents because they struggle maintaining the boundaries and doing these kinds of things, and I asked them what is it that keeps you from doing what you know you ought to do as a parent? It's a big question. The most common answer seems to be guilt, right, well, I don't. I was treated a certain way and I don't want my child to feel the same way. Sometimes that's applicable. Sometimes, many times, it is not right. I still have to do what I need to do as a parent, but my own baggage sometimes keeps creeping into the situation. So I start projecting a lot of my own baggage onto my children's lives. So I think guilt is a very big and important thing and this kind of goes back into as parents, knowing where our own triggers and our own landmines are and our own baggage that we bring into these situations.
Jim:And kids are great teachers. It's a hard, it's hard lessons, but they are great teachers and they're going to teach us a lot about ourselves. So in a lot of ways, we should be thanking them for making us angry and doing all the things they're going to do to generate all the emotions in us, because they're teaching us something and they're showing us where the chinks in our armor are. So let me leave you with these thoughts, because I think building strong connections with our kids takes time, it takes patience, it takes effort, but the rewards are absolutely immeasurable. By focusing on the relationship, being present and understanding the kid's world from their perspective, we can foster deep and lasting bonds for the rest of their lives.
Jim:aThanks for checking us out on the unscripted mind today. If you found this episode helpful, share it with somebody who might need it Also. Please subscribe, follow us and leave a review, and if you have any questions or topics you'd like us to cover. Please include that also. Until next time, remember life doesn't come with a script. So embrace the unexpected, cherish the unplanned, always stay curious and have an amazing day. We'll see you next time on the Unscripted Mind.
